Shopping Partners…

kanyeThe expression I need to perfect

I meant to go to the supermarket much earlier today but it felt like such a task to leave home. I finally decided that this bum behaviour was not going to cut it and unwillingly dragged myself out of the house at minutes to 9. I threw on my jeans and a T-shirt with a sweater, and looked presentable enough to be seen in public, but not enough to really be seen if you get what I mean. I just wanted to be in and out like Casper and not bump into anyone I know.

I got to the supermarket and was going down an aisle when the unthinkable happened…I heard someone say, “Hi there!” I reluctantly turned around only to see a man who I didn’t know giving me the biggest smile. “Not today sir, not today,” I said in my head. I looked at him quite blankly and hoped that would shut him down, but nope, no such luck.

Man: Can I shop with you?
Me: What? What do you mean? (pushing cart and walking away while asking, so clearly not interested in the response)
Man: You know…we shop together.
Me: Why would we do that?
Man: (Now pushing his trolley and walking alongside me…ugh) Well, you can help me shop.
Me: I’m sure you don’t need any assistance. I’m certain you do this all the time.
Man: Well, I’m not usually the person who does the shopping.

Of course I start thinking that probably means he has a wife or girlfriend at home, and here he is harassing me. Hmmm.

Man: I’m Chris. What’s your name? (By now we’ve walked down two aisles and I’m wondering if my expression isn’t accurately conveying my thoughts…go away)
Me: Krystal (My tried and true fake name that I’ve been using for years. The Lord must be tired of hearing me lie)
Man: So how old are you Krystal? I’m not quite twice your age. (Ahhh I see what you did there. Drawing for that Shabba song, trying to be funny)
Me: Not twice my age. Are you sure about that?
Man: You look about 23.
Me: Nope

He deliberates further about my age.  We’ve now gone down yet another aisle and I realize it seems we really are ‘shopping together.’  I purposely stopped at the mayonnaise and took an agonizingly long time. Decisions, decisions…Hellmans or Kraft, oh and there are all these different sizes. Glass or plastic? Hahaha.

Man: So I’m not even going to ask you for your number, because I know you’re going to say no. (Yaaay! My expressions seem to be working again. He knew not to even ask)
Me: You’re right.
Man: Instead, I’m going to ask you to take my number. (Really Slick Rick?)
Me: Umm no. How about you just look out for me whenever you’re at the supermarket. You might just see me again. You never know. (While writing this I remembered the time I gave a guy the first 6 digits of my number and told him he would just have to figure out the seventh. Believe it or not, I got a call from him. My number ends with an 8 :/)
Man: They say lightning doesn’t strike the same place twice.
Me: I don’t know what to tell you then. Just hope for a coincidence.

Well, he went off on his way and I continued without my shopping partner. What have I learned? One, I need to work on my expressions; they aren’t effectively portraying my thoughts.  Two, it could have been that I bumped into someone I actually know, so this ‘I hope I don’t see anyone I know’ really doesn’t cut it.

Know When To Zip It

There’s that famous saying – ‘Honesty is the best policy.’ Is it always?  I was in the supermarket the other day and a gentleman beside me was having a conversation with a lady I presumed to be his girlfriend.  Anyway, as I was so close to them I heard him say, “There’s nothing wrong with giving a compliment.  There’s nothing wrong with being honest.”  Suddenly he directs the conversation to me.  “Look at this lady right here (Umm this lady right here who’s minding her own business?). Miss, you look FANTASTIC! She does! There’s nothing wrong with telling her.”  Can you say awkward? I felt awkward for me AND for her.

I said thank you and couldn’t help but laugh.  Did he really just do that?  And why did I have to be the one he used to make a point? Lol.  I immediately looked at her to see if she was getting ready to take her earrings out and throw all one hundred pounds of me to the floor, but her face didn’t offer much expression.  Actually he ended up striking up a conversation with me and she walked off (still in the vicinity).  The man continued his point, saying he doesn’t see what’s wrong with being honest.  I told him that can actually get you in trouble sometimes so you have to learn when it’s best to say nothing at all.  Case in point, what he had just done.  Not every situation calls for you to voice what you may be thinking.  He then started telling me about a scenario with his co-workers where it really did turn out that it was perhaps best to withhold the truth.  You’re probably wondering why I stood there entertaining a conversation with him being that his girlfriend may not have been amused.  Well, I was trying to get the attention of the staff in the bakery.  His girlfriend came back over and get this, he introduces her as his wife.  The plot thickens! I gave her my warmest hello and sweetest smile and thankfully they got what they were waiting on and left.  Never a dull day I tell you…

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